I guess it's proper that I explain a bit my life as it is today. I find it only fair that you, dear reader, get to know a little about my personal situation, and besides, I do enjoy speaking (and writing) about myself.
I am currently in a relationship with Dahlia. We have been seeing each other for about six months now, although we did have a brief relationship about a year and a half ago. The previous relationship ended with her being pregnant and me not being able to deal with it, and nine months later our son was born.
When he was born she fully let me back into her life, and as we started the momentous journey of parenthood together old feelings as well as new ones began to stir and it didn't take us a long time to fall back in love with each other, head over heels with the proper romance and butterflies.
With one very major condition though. I would never treat her badly again.
My previous behavior had been, to say the least, very extremely horrendously unfair and emotionally abusive. I was controlling in many different aspects, worst of which was my pushing her to have an abortion and consequently leaving her when she didn't. I readily confess it because it is a very big part of the self-improvement process to present a list of the people I hurt, and Dahlia was one of the big ones.
Needless to say, I felt that this condition was fair. I hated myself for the way I treated her and wanted nothing more than to be again a part of her and our son's life. Little did I realize that this behavior was a symptom of my sickness. I was addicted to the conflict, the control, the companionship, to her. Just like I had been addicted to numerous other people.
I struggle every day to be the man I want and need to be. The road to completing that elusive task is long and hard, and I'll never achieve perfection. My current goal is much more attainable: simply to be able to go through each day without lashing out, without hurting the ones I love. If I can do that, there is hope for me yet.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Intro
Just about six years ago I started dating. This makes me relatively young, I realize, but these past six years have taught me more about me and myself than most other people that I know. For some it took them their entire lives what I learned in a few months. But then again, not all people are afflicted with what I deal with every day.
I‘m not sure why it happened this way, perhaps because I was moving so fast. I wanted everything right away, a few days after I met Lily (my first girlfriend) I was in love with her and a few months after that I wanted to move in with her and a few more months later I was getting ready to have kids and get married.
Every time I met someone new I saw myself growing old with that person, and living forever with them.
It wasn’t until earlier this year that I finally figured it out. It happened after yet another break-up. I remember sitting at a café smoking cigarette after cigarette, pondering in melancholia why on earth I felt so much pain after every single relationship that ended, why I was on the verge of wanting to kill myself because of another human being that had entered and exited my life in just a few months.
I remember thinking to myself: it’s almost the same as my friend Ted’s drinking problem, the same sort of inability to control oneself and one’s urges, the same sort of dependency. Then I thought: well I do know there are sex-addicts out there. There must be love addicts as well.
I Googled it and found that there were indeed!
That’s when I joined the Sex and Love Addicts
Anonymous program. Every day from that day I’ve been dealing with it, step by step, taking inventory of my life, reaching my higher power. It’s very similar to the world famous AA-program, but deals with matters much more subtle than just “the drink”: co-dependency, control, respect, expectations, worship of other individuals, but above all else, fear and resentment.
Every day is difficult, every day is a struggle. Almost every day I act out in some way and often I am ashamed of what I did or said. But I’d like to share it with you, and then perhaps you can also benefit and learn from my mistakes, and how I've dealt with them...
I‘m not sure why it happened this way, perhaps because I was moving so fast. I wanted everything right away, a few days after I met Lily (my first girlfriend) I was in love with her and a few months after that I wanted to move in with her and a few more months later I was getting ready to have kids and get married.
Every time I met someone new I saw myself growing old with that person, and living forever with them.
It wasn’t until earlier this year that I finally figured it out. It happened after yet another break-up. I remember sitting at a café smoking cigarette after cigarette, pondering in melancholia why on earth I felt so much pain after every single relationship that ended, why I was on the verge of wanting to kill myself because of another human being that had entered and exited my life in just a few months.
I remember thinking to myself: it’s almost the same as my friend Ted’s drinking problem, the same sort of inability to control oneself and one’s urges, the same sort of dependency. Then I thought: well I do know there are sex-addicts out there. There must be love addicts as well.
I Googled it and found that there were indeed!
That’s when I joined the Sex and Love Addicts
Anonymous program. Every day from that day I’ve been dealing with it, step by step, taking inventory of my life, reaching my higher power. It’s very similar to the world famous AA-program, but deals with matters much more subtle than just “the drink”: co-dependency, control, respect, expectations, worship of other individuals, but above all else, fear and resentment.Every day is difficult, every day is a struggle. Almost every day I act out in some way and often I am ashamed of what I did or said. But I’d like to share it with you, and then perhaps you can also benefit and learn from my mistakes, and how I've dealt with them...
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