Bottom-line behavior

Love addiction is different from substance addiction. Whereas an alcoholic has simply acted out when having a drink, acting out as a sex and/or love addict doesn't necessarily have to involve sex (or love for that matter). It could be for example showing controlling behavior, or becoming angry. Every addict defines their own sobriety.

To define the borders of my addiction I needed to find out my bottom-line behavior. In my case, acting out is basically showing more of my bottom behavior instead of my top, and particularly when people around me are hurt in the process.

So I took a piece of paper and I wrote down my fears (fear of having no control, fear of being a bad father etc.) my resentments and finally my bottom-line behavior, all the things that were negative, hurtful, both to myself and to others. Speaking to a sponsor about my bottom-line behavior was essential, since I could be very blind to the realities of my behavior and the effect it had on people surrounding me. This is all a part of the taking inventory part of the program.

After writing down all the behavior that I deemed bottom-line, I found out the gray areas of behavior that wasn't really all that bad but should be avoided, things that would get me in trouble if I didn't watch myself. While bottom-line might be yelling, being angry, controlling people, the gray areas might be to miss sleep a few nights in a row, eat too much fast food or not going to a meeting; generalities that make me feel bad overtime. 

It was important for me to list as well all the behavior I deemed top-line. Stress-reducing, healthy and positive actions that I could pat myself on the back for. Things such as doing yoga, getting exercise and keeping healthy. Here's a list of good stress-reducing behavior.

Fighting

Okay, today I'm going to write about fighting and conflict. One of the characteristics of love-addicts is that they tend to have extremely high expectations towards those closest to them, and that goes doubly towards their spouse or lover. In every single relationship I've been in, this has been a huge problem, a problem that has ensured either the unhappiness or the untimely death of the relationship (and most likely both). Expectations are premeditated resentments.

So first things first. In my case there are a few things I need to do each day to prepare and prevent fights occurring. When I wake up it's important for me to pray. Now I know what you agnostics are going to say and I agree to a certain extent. Personally I do not believe in either the bible nor any god. My beliefs aren't important though, yours are. You can decide what it is you believe, and draw strength from that. Whatever it is, when you pray and you mean it, you find strength. 
The reason for the praying is twofold. First it shows that you are willing to show both the world and yourself humility, and only through humility will you be able to heal and become a better person. Second it gives you the strength not to act out at times when you are powerless from addiction and bottom behavior.

Other things I tend to need over the course of a few days are some of my top behaviors. Those include doing yoga, going swimming, sleeping enough, eating food (yes it's good to eat food, and for those who have experienced depression know how important, and difficult, that sometimes is), trying to keep healthy and such. Being in a good mood is always a good way to avoid resentment and anger. A lot of people, my mother included, would scoff at most of this article. She would claim that all you need is will-power and to stay fit. Power through life, so to speak. And for some people that may be true, if your body feels good the rest of you feels good as well. But for many, myself included, it just isn't enough. Some are more prone to depressive and obsessive thoughts then others, and what is addiction if not obsessive?

Every time I feel myself growing resentful and angry over something or someone, I breathe deeply and relax. It usually doesn't work so I need something more, and if I can't manage to avoid anger, I call a sponsor in the program. Sponsors are necessary, at least for most addicts of any kind, but a good friend will do if he will try and listen and help you without judging and without betraying your trust.

I speak with my sponsor about whether or not I'm showing signs of these core emotions:

• Self-seeking
• Selfishness
• Fear 
• Dishonesty

Then I tell him why I'm showing these emotions, and whether they are justified. If they're not justified my anger usually subsides and I'm able to admit where I was wrong. If they are justified, I humbly try to accept that people aren't perfect, neither me nor the person involved.

Now equally important is making amends. If a fight occurs and things get out of hand, for me distance is extremely important. Taking a moment to get out of the room or the house, to call the sponsor or pray to the Higher Power or just think things through. In any case after the period of distance I make amends if I've wronged anyone. Apologizing is very important, followed by a: 'what can I do to make this right?'.

And last but not least - after all this is over with and everyone feels better, I go and try and help someone. Whether it's doing chores at home without receiving (or expecting) thanks, or going out and giving blood or being a sponsor for someone else, I help someone else.

Only by helping others do I help myself. The most giving people in the world are amongst the happiest. There is a certain power in helping someone else, and it is completely beyond me why it makes myself and most others I know so satisfied, but for some reason it works. If you don't believe me, just try it out. The worst that could happen is somebody out there might be grateful.

At the end of the day I pray again, giving thanks for the day and asking for guidance and strength for tomorrow.

I know it does sound like a lot of work, but in the end it's worth it. My relationship wouldn't survive if I didn't do these things each day. I wouldn't get to be with my son. The thing is that I'm definitely not the only addict who has a lot to loose, but then again, how much we might loose if we fall isn't the question, it's just the question of finding the right way for each one of us to make it through one day at a time.