Fighting

Okay, today I'm going to write about fighting and conflict. One of the characteristics of love-addicts is that they tend to have extremely high expectations towards those closest to them, and that goes doubly towards their spouse or lover. In every single relationship I've been in, this has been a huge problem, a problem that has ensured either the unhappiness or the untimely death of the relationship (and most likely both). Expectations are premeditated resentments.

So first things first. In my case there are a few things I need to do each day to prepare and prevent fights occurring. When I wake up it's important for me to pray. Now I know what you agnostics are going to say and I agree to a certain extent. Personally I do not believe in either the bible nor any god. My beliefs aren't important though, yours are. You can decide what it is you believe, and draw strength from that. Whatever it is, when you pray and you mean it, you find strength. 
The reason for the praying is twofold. First it shows that you are willing to show both the world and yourself humility, and only through humility will you be able to heal and become a better person. Second it gives you the strength not to act out at times when you are powerless from addiction and bottom behavior.

Other things I tend to need over the course of a few days are some of my top behaviors. Those include doing yoga, going swimming, sleeping enough, eating food (yes it's good to eat food, and for those who have experienced depression know how important, and difficult, that sometimes is), trying to keep healthy and such. Being in a good mood is always a good way to avoid resentment and anger. A lot of people, my mother included, would scoff at most of this article. She would claim that all you need is will-power and to stay fit. Power through life, so to speak. And for some people that may be true, if your body feels good the rest of you feels good as well. But for many, myself included, it just isn't enough. Some are more prone to depressive and obsessive thoughts then others, and what is addiction if not obsessive?

Every time I feel myself growing resentful and angry over something or someone, I breathe deeply and relax. It usually doesn't work so I need something more, and if I can't manage to avoid anger, I call a sponsor in the program. Sponsors are necessary, at least for most addicts of any kind, but a good friend will do if he will try and listen and help you without judging and without betraying your trust.

I speak with my sponsor about whether or not I'm showing signs of these core emotions:

• Self-seeking
• Selfishness
• Fear 
• Dishonesty

Then I tell him why I'm showing these emotions, and whether they are justified. If they're not justified my anger usually subsides and I'm able to admit where I was wrong. If they are justified, I humbly try to accept that people aren't perfect, neither me nor the person involved.

Now equally important is making amends. If a fight occurs and things get out of hand, for me distance is extremely important. Taking a moment to get out of the room or the house, to call the sponsor or pray to the Higher Power or just think things through. In any case after the period of distance I make amends if I've wronged anyone. Apologizing is very important, followed by a: 'what can I do to make this right?'.

And last but not least - after all this is over with and everyone feels better, I go and try and help someone. Whether it's doing chores at home without receiving (or expecting) thanks, or going out and giving blood or being a sponsor for someone else, I help someone else.

Only by helping others do I help myself. The most giving people in the world are amongst the happiest. There is a certain power in helping someone else, and it is completely beyond me why it makes myself and most others I know so satisfied, but for some reason it works. If you don't believe me, just try it out. The worst that could happen is somebody out there might be grateful.

At the end of the day I pray again, giving thanks for the day and asking for guidance and strength for tomorrow.

I know it does sound like a lot of work, but in the end it's worth it. My relationship wouldn't survive if I didn't do these things each day. I wouldn't get to be with my son. The thing is that I'm definitely not the only addict who has a lot to loose, but then again, how much we might loose if we fall isn't the question, it's just the question of finding the right way for each one of us to make it through one day at a time.

My mother...

A few days ago I sat down with my mother. We really talked, not the customary 'Hi! How's it going! You'll come to the birthday Friday then?, okay that's good take care now bye bye then,' but proper communication about real honest feelings.
Now it's quite hard to do that with a person like my mother. Very goal-oriented, a bit of a bitch, quite often cold and distant. As our communications had been really negative the past few months, we were on two completely different pages with expectations and resentments and all sorts of bad things. Things needed clearing up.
The thing is that when you finally get into a little house cleaning relationship-wise you often find out there's a bunch of hidden dirt lurking behind the sofa you'd completely forgotten about; or never even knew about.

It all started when I made a resentment list. It goes like this:
First you draw up four columns. At the head of each one you write the bold heading.

1. I'm resentful at: I took a piece of paper, and I wrote down names of people that are closest to me that I harbor any resentment towards. My mother, of course, was on the top of the list.
2. Cause: I then wrote down a column next to each person listing those resentments, either generalities (she judges me) or specific instances (she didn't think my grades were good enough and thus made me feel bad about myself).
3. This affects my: The column next to that held the feelings of self that this affected, whether they be security, self-esteem, ambition or personal relationships (self-esteem).
4. What's my part: The last column involved the reflected feelings I could find in myself and whether I showed any negative feelings of my own; dishonesty, selfishness, self-seeking or frightened (I tend to judge myself for my failures and that's why it hurts so much when she does it (fear, self-seeking)).

Doing a resentment list helped me a great deal in confronting and understanding my own emotions, frustrations and anger. A common saying amongst the fellowship is: Expectations are premeditated resentments. I realized a great deal, for example that I had great expectations for myself,my girlfriend, my friends and of life in general. Not expecting anything leaves you happier for the things that actually do happen.

I also realized something else. I am a product of divorce, a 12 year long one in fact. My folks were very committed to making their doomed relationship work, and I got to see and experience first hand just how doomed it was. While my mother is a very big character, strong loud and quickly gets angry and annoyed, my father is a lot more docile and calm. Unfortunately I take after her.

They eventually broke up in my teens and I was very angry about this. Just like most angry kids they want someone to blame so I blamed her and I've blamed her since without thinking much about it. As a kid I made a drawing once of my parents. My mom was a dinosaur eating my stick-figure dad. As it was she who was always yelling and shouting and angry, naturally I assumed it was she who did all the bad things in the relationship, and it stuck with me.

In any case, for the time being it's been a bit easier speaking with her. Making the list was a positive, and having the talk was also positive. Making a resentment list can also be helpful in everyday situations, for more pin-pointed situations such as "a jerk cut in front me in traffic today" and what effect that has on you.